The Well of Not Knowing

dipping - dipping - dipping

Of the 80 or so metaphorical wells I visit, this is the one I find myself writing the most about.

When that happens, I know I am writing to myself. You are invited to join me.

Just before everything shut down during Covid, I was at a local bookstore.

Perusing the shelves, Estelle Frankel’s book, ‘The Wisdom of Not Knowing: Discovering a Life of Wonder” pushed itself out to the edge of the shelf saying, “Buy me.” And I did.

It knew I needed a book about not knowing.

I can now say, “Little did you know how much, dear book.”

How many times have I been in not knowing?

How often was each one perhaps a place of anger, frustration, impatience, or engaging in endless searches to try to know rather than leaning into the wisdom of not knowing? Of feeling so consumed that I was blinded to possibilities and options because of it.

I could not see the wisdom that might have gifted me with a new perspective to consider.

This is a well at which I have to sit on the edge to dip because standing and dipping would become too tiring.

Not knowing is, for me, one of the hardest places of being.

Even hard knowing is easier. At least I know, even if “it” is not my choice.

Over the years I have also learned that when the answer is not what I wish for, it is almost always the right and best answer. Of course, that understanding comes with reflection.

However, the liminal space of not knowing is deeply challenging.

An example of now.

I was to move. An apartment was chosen. Boxes were packed. The moving company had a date. And then I “un-chose” the apartment for moral and ethical reasons and the move did not happen. With no regrets.

Boxes are still packed.

Now I am in a place of not knowing.

There is uncertainty about timing and whether there is an unknown change of direction.

I wonder if there is a reason it is not happening as easily as I thought.

The plans and the original excitement of the change in geography are now interrupted by the state of the unconscionable non-leadership in this country.

And maybe, maybe, there are other reasons I do not yet know.

Here’s the thing.

I can live with not knowing about a move.

It is a tiny intrusion in my life compared to what is happening in the lives of thousands, likely millions, of others - where not knowing becomes connected to financially being able to meet basic needs and commitments, medical needs and questions of life or death.

Jobs lost in more and more fields with no warning. Retirement and benefit funds lost. Healthcare lost. Basic needs where up to now there were lifelines, lost. Programs that support millions of many different abilities lost. Safety lost. Freedoms lost. More specifics lost than I am sure I even know.

Lives lost. LIVES LOST because of devastating decisions without merit.

New announcements that are occurring almost hourly, so it feels, add up more each day to a country where not knowing is the new norm.

What’s next? Who is next?

As I am writing this, I think about whether this is a waste of my time, whether the well has any relevance. Many would say to not even mention it, that it is a copout, that if I knew certain circumstances I would never presume it is a well worthy of a visit.

I know that because there have been many times I want to walk right by it and have. It wasn’t for me to stop by - yet.

I believe the wells do sustain and nourish, but they are not necessarily easy or hold instant answers or immediate relief.

So let me simply give a few perspectives I have drawn up from the well of not knowing.

It helps, when I dip, to sort out what I do know from what I do not know. Sometimes those can be entangled and hard to discern.

It helps me face and articulate my feelings and discern which ones will help me move forward and which ones will hold me back and keep me stuck.

Dipping into the well of not knowing reminds me to dip into my energy to ask and explore what possible options there are to move from this liminal space to even one small step forward - to a new perspective or tangible action that can shift my mental and emotional state.

The well of not knowing reminds me that I have people in my life who will walk with me through the not knowing and help in any way they can. They will be with me right there.

At the well of not knowing, I am reminded of times before in my life when the not knowing was deeply difficult and painful and I came through. I remember to consider that perhaps what I do not know will eventually bring about an outcome that includes a spirt of gratefulness.

This well is one where I am reminded to seek out the stories of others, current and past, alive and who have transitioned, to learn how they are enduring not knowing and/or what gave them comfort or a sense of possibility or healing or so many other outcomes.

It invites me to invite others to join me in this time of immense not knowing and, bewildered, confused, and holding all the other emotions that pass through when not knowing.

To be and walk with each other with anything and everything we have as we find our way through.

Perhaps it is tangibly sharing resources.

Perhaps it is singing and dancing.

Perhaps it is writing and sharing our words.

Perhaps it is splashing paint.

Perhaps it is simply sitting in the presence of one another, accepting and acknowledging the vulnerability in each one’s individual circumstances – listening with hearts.

Perhaps it is a form of protest together, two people or in a local community or joining around the world.

Maybe it is, ultimately, that I get moved from my aloneness to knowing I am not alone – and the same for others. That I am in the company of millions of “not-knowers.”

Sometimes connecting and helping might be done quietly, unheralded, unseen by most.

And at times it might be a cacophony so loud that more join and a movement is built that has the potential to change everything.

In this time of not knowing, overwhelming in so many ways, I invite you to share a word or sentence that might very well be just what is needed to uplift and help sustain and move someone forward.

It will be an offering from the well of not knowing.

If not here, then wherever you are.

Let’s listen carefully in all ways, especially with our hearts, so we carry one another through to beautiful new ways of knowing after this time of not knowing.

To the light we cannot yet see but I believe is ahead.