Tapestry of a Life

from woven to weaving

photo courtesy of Pinterest

Sometimes I think about getting up to write at 2 AM, for that seems to be a time when ideas that feel like they want to be written arrive. By sunrise they have faded, even though I try to put them back together.

This morning it was the word “woven,” which then led to “tapestry.” The why of these words was a mystery.

Not only would it confuse the cat to get up at 2 AM, but I never get out of bed even if awake. I am also quite sure that once up, I would never go back to sleep.

When I think of tapestries, I always think of their two sides. There is the side that is shown, that of the story being told, looking finished and often glossy and colorful, alive almost.

Tapestries tell myriad stories. For example, some are a record of history or depictions of nature scenes. Others show individual or gatherings of different eras.

I am thinking about my personal one.

As I look with my imagination at my evolving tapestry, what is not seen on the front are the behind-the-scenes parts of my life story.

That is what the back tells. When tapestries are hung, the backs are unseen.

The back of mine, as of most, consists of many knots. Knots show how challenging it is to weave a life.

They show beginnings and endings and transitions.

From one knot to another, there will may be stories left out, not wanting to be shown.

I have never seen a tapestry with a blank space but perhaps that would add mystery to the viewer.

The back is the side that shows the work, the time, the paths, the imperfections of how the pieces of life are sewn together. The front shows the thought to be “good sides.”

It would be easy to simply ramble on. However, I now feel more clarity about why the words “woven” and “tapestry” showed up in what I call “the thoughtful hours of the night.”

There are significant shifts happening in my life as well as in the life of this country.

I am present to both.

I have wishes for both.

I am creating intentions for both.

I think last night was asking me how I want to show up in the present, regardless of what has already been woven from the past, visible or not.

It is time to move from “woven” to full focus on “weaving,” “stitching,” even “designing”.

There’s no time to spend on the “what might have been” times, though they will always show up because they are part of the interior tapestry, all that lives inside me.

It’s time, as I keep hearing from different people and angles, to emerge stronger, emboldened even. It is time to show up more fully to that which calls me and to do so without apology or compromise.

To not sit back, to not think about what others will think if I appear different than I did when in our connections.

We show parts of ourselves, sometimes different and sometimes the same, depending on who is with us and what role we are in. That is the way of life and even, in many cases, it is right for that moment, or our profession, or with family. Most people only see a part of us.

However, it’s when there is a part that truly wants to be free and we cover it up for all kinds of reasons that we have moved off our highest path, even if to others it might seem we have gone off a cliff. Or they are deeply disappointed. Or feel they really didn’t know us. Or decide we have changed. Or want to give advice.

The past, the already woven that cannot be undone, does teach me, illumine even.

What am I weaving?

What do I want to weave?

What do I feel called to weave into my last quarter of life and not leave out?

What do I want freed?

What do I want to show on the front side of my tapestry that speaks to the whole of me?

It’s all up to me.

Am I willing?

What wants to be woven is beginning to clarify and it is time. I am counting on 25 more years for the clarity to inspire and direct. I aim to listen to it and to myself more than anyone else.

In this moment, I am not nearly as concerned about what I will leave someday as who I am being now. If I give “being” my heart and soul, that which I leave, my legacy, will take care of itself.

I have not thought about my internal tapestry before. It is a new perspective and one that I anticipate musing about with wonder and openness.

What do you think about the internal and external tapestries of a life? I’d love to hear a story or a thought.

If you are in the US, Happy Thanksgiving!

I am so grateful you are here and do not take it for granted, whether in the US or another part of our wonderful world.